Personal opinion on poly relationships, hierarchies, probably a very offensive hot take if you're in a poly hierarchy
Hey guys relationship anarchy is
Everything in this post is my opinion, if you wanna talk about it feel free to interact but I'm very stubborn and a bit of a hothead
Asking your partner for permission to do things with your others is still being in a single serious relationship, not multiple, because you aren't treating each of your partners equally. Also it makes your other partners feel uncomfortable, because now the pace of your relationship is being set by someone outside of it.
After having been in multiple poly relationships of varying dynamics, I have to say the one situation where I'm comfortable with my partner's partner dictating our relationship pace is if we're a triad and they're both treating me equally and I have a relationship with -both- of them. And even then they -have- to understand that if they don't want to be with me but their other partner still does, they can choose to be with me regardless. It's a lot to ask of couples who are newer to poly but.. I feel like otherwise relationship hierarchies come from a place of jealousy, distrust, or monogamy-- I know for a lot of monogamous couples who want to try polyamory, a relationship hierarchy is the most appealing because either party can back out-- the issue is neither of you are considering the feelings of your future partners. Or your partner's future feelings, either-- using someone as a "test run" and then leaving them when your primary gets uncomfortable is so hurtful for everyone involved.
My advice to couples new to poly, as someone who is w/ two couples and dates mostly couples: Trust your partner. If you are ready to try being polyamorous and getting rid of monogamy's shackles, you have to be ready to trust them and to actually care about them. You have to be ready to stop looking at things through a jealous monogamous lens, stop comparing yourself to other partners (unlike monogamy, polyamory isn't a competition- your relationship depends entirely on you and your partner, no need to worry about someone being "better than you"). 99% of poly issues come from jealousy, but you don't need to experience jealousy in your relationships. You need to learn compersion, which is the opposite of jealousy: if you love your partner, you want them to be happy, right? You seeing them doing cute things or having an amazing fun time with another partner should make -you- happy, too. It should plaster a big grin on your face and make you love them anymore. Your partner getting to explore someone and more of themselves shouldn't upset you at all. Plus, your partner -will- want to gush about their new relationship(s), and if you're too jealous to listen, it -will- cause a divide between you.
Polyamory lets you share the deepest, most intimate, most real parts of your love with someone else. Be compassionate and think about your partner's partner: Allow them to experience what you're sharing fully, at the pace they and your partner want, in the way they want-- and same for your partner, they want to experience their new relationship to the fullest. Please don't take that away from them.
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